Wakes, Funerals, and Chuckles the Clown

When I was younger, my only reference for attending a funeral was the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Chuckles Bites the Dust Chuckles the Clown had been killed by an elephant that mistook him for a giant peanut. Mary had chastised the other guys in the newsroom for laughing about the incident, yet when it came time attend the funeral, while everyone else was somber, she couldn't stop herself from a fit of giggles. Once the man conducting the service told her that it was okay to laugh, as Chuckles was an entertainer, and would have wanted it that way, she started crying.

Sadly enough, in my young adult years, it was no longer my only reference for attending a funeral. Now, at 42, I've attended many wakes, funerals, and memorial services, yet I still use the Mary Tyler Moore Show as a reference. I use it to remember that my feelings and behavior don't have to meet with any type of normalcy. Everyone grieves in their own way.

Yesterday, my family attended the wake of ... this is going to be a mouthful, try to follow the connections ... my husband's brother's wife's father. While I knew him, I wasn't particularly close to him, yet it still ripped me up to be there. Mostly in giving my condolences to those close to him, I found myself choked up and wiping away tears.

My son hadn't been to a wake, funeral, or memorial service, since the memorial service/wake of his great grandmother six years ago when he was 7. His only reference was that the casket was open, and it was shocking to him, to see her like that. He then has has it stuck in his head that wakes were open casket, funerals were closed. I explained the difference to him, and how it wasn't dependent on the state of the casket, yet he was still worried about it being open. I told him it probably would be yesterday.

He ducked into the back room quickly with the other kids, while my husband and I paid our respects to the family, and also to the deceased. Later, my son came in and bravely said he was going to have a go at going up to the casket to pay his respects. I knew he was ... hate to say it, but scared to death ... so I went with him and held his hand. He then needed to duck out quickly and catch his breath. This 5'10" boy stood in a corner trying to collect himself, and I told him not to worry about it, it had gotten to his father earlier as well. Later in the evening he asked if you weren't obligated to do that. I told him no, you don't have to pay your respects; that's an individual's preference. He said it was the only reason he'd forced himself to before.

Just as my reference I always carry around with me will be the Mary Tyler Moore Show, I think his will be his great grandmother's service, and how scary it was. He'll learn eventually that while they aren't pleasant, they also aren't scary, but he'll also have that pull in him to remember that, just as I always now feel that pull to remember that emotions are different, and that everyone grieves in their own way.

Rest in Peace Mr. Rodriguez.